All the Difference
by NCISgirl1527
Summary: Catherine knew who caused the lab explosion and she was going to have to live with that everyday, but that was easier than the year's other hardships for one reason: her best friend was there for her. That made all the difference. Post Play with Fire.


_**Okay so I wrote this story like a year ago and it sucked. So I put it on my desktop and went back and edited it a few months later…then again…then again… Anyway I have edited it like ten times at this point… that does not mean it is perfect, but it is about as good as its going to get. So I am letting my little baby go… I really hope you love it as much as I do.**_

_**Spoilers: Play with Fire**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own: Catherine, Greg, or Grissom.**_

Greg looked up at Catherine from his hospital bed. "You figured out what happened in the lab didn't you?" Greg asked her.

"Yea," Catherine replied pulling a chair towards the bed, "I did and I wanted you to hear it from me."

Greg turned his head a little more to look up at Catherine. Catherine looked down at Greg and felt a whole new surge of guilt. Greg had cuts and scratches all over his face and arms. Catherine assumed that there were more cuts that she could not see because they were hidden by the blanket. She had decided a long time ago that the team was as good as family to her and hated that she had hurt the geeky little lab tech.

Catherine took a deep breath. "You are right," she repeated, "I know who caused the lab explosion."

"Who?" Greg asked. He wanted to know. If it was Hodges he was going to kill him.

"Me," Catherine admitted quietly. Greg was surprised. He could understand how Warrick or Sara or Nick would have accidentally put something where they weren't supposed to, but he would never have thought Catherine would have done something like that.

"How?" Greg asked her.

"There was an unidentified liquid in a green glass and I put it under the fume hood," Catherine explained, "I didn't realized the heat was turned on." There was a pause before Catherine spoke again. "Greg I am so sorry."

Greg looked at Catherine. He wasn't mad at her. "Hey it's not a big deal," he told her. He had not expected Catherine to be responsible for the explosion, but even if she was the big boss, though not in name, she was still human and she was allowed to make mistakes.

Catherine gave him a half smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "It is a big deal Greg," she told him, "You could have died."

"I'm going to be fine Catherine," Greg told her. He was still shaken by the explosion but he wasn't going to tell Catherine that. Especially not when she felt guilty already. "Anyway that burner in the fume hood is always getting turned on accidentally."

Catherine squeezed Greg's hand. She appreciated that he was trying to make her feel better, but she still felt awful. "You need to sleep," she told him gently.

"So do you," Greg told her cheekily, "I will go to sleep if you go home and get some sleep." Normally he would never have tried to tell Catherine what to do, but there were some perks to being hospitalized and one of them was that people had a tendency to do what you asked them to.

Catherine smiled and stood up. "Alright you win," she told him as she gently patted his cheek, "I'll stop by sometime tomorrow. I have some time off."

"Okay," Greg told her, "see you then." Greg did not mention the time off. He knew that it must have come as punishment for her actions. He also knew that it bordered on cruel and unusual punishment because Catherine would spend those days going over and over the explosion and finding a million ways it was her fault.

Catherine smiled at Greg again before heading out to her car and starting to drive home. She turned on the radio and tried concentrate on the lyrics so she didn't think about the events of the day or anything at all. It did not work. Her thoughts became fixed on her destination. She knew that she needed to go home and get some sleep but a large part of her did not want to. She knew if she went home she would be alone in the house only bitter memories and regret, but she didn't have anywhere else to go.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Several minutes later she pulled into her driveway and got out of the car. Grabbing her things, she walked slowly up to the front door. She unlocked the door and walked in to the living room after dropping her stuff in the front hall. She collapsed on the sofa and was about to flip on the TV when there was a knock on the door.

Catherine sighed and got up to answer it. Swinging the door open she saw Grissom standing on the front steps.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him torn between surprise and suspicion.

"I wanted to make sure that you were doing alright," Grissom told her, "May I come in?"

"Sure," Catherine said listlessly moving aside and closing the door behind her. "So you are here because you want to know if your colleague who blew up the lab and hurt two people and freed over a dozen criminals and impugned the integrity of the lab is alright?" she asked suspicion winning out due mostly to her high stress level and lack of sleep.

"I want to see if my friend was alright," Grissom corrected her. Their relationship had been a little rocky lately but that didn't mean that he didn't care about her and want to be there for her when she went through hard times.

"It was an accident," Catherine told him frustrated, "I didn't mean to blow up the lab." She walked into her kitchen without looking at Grissom. She was worried that if she looked at him she would either start yelling at him or burst into tears. He had not really been there for her in the past year and she didn't know how to feel now that he was here.

"I know that Cath," Grissom told her following her in to the kitchen and watching as she opened the fridge and dug out a couple of sodas. He knew perfectly well that she was moving and doing things for something to do not because they need done. It was her attempt to distract herself, and to someone who knew her as well as Grissom did it was a warning sign that something was wrong. Granted after what had happened today, even blind Martins probably could figure out there was a something wrong.

"They want you to fire me," Catherine assumed. She handed one of the sodas to Grissom, then walked briskly back into the living room.

"They angled the conversation in that direction, yes, but I told them it would be a mistake," Gil told Catherine as he followed her back into the living room.

Catherine paused for a moment and looked at him. She had not missed the fact that Gil had at least made a small attempt to defend her. "And they told you that your duty was to the lab not the people," Catherine suggested looking away and starting to straighten couch pillows. She knew how the powers that be liked to run the lab.

"They did," Grissom confirmed taking both her hands in his preventing her from continuing what she was doing. "And I told that without the people there is no lab."

"You really told them that?" Catherine asked looking into his eyes for the first time. It was actually a little surprising to her that he would do that because he was usually more concerned about the integrity of the lab. It also occurred to her at that moment that maybe she was not being fair to him because the breach in their relationship was partially her fault too.

"Of course I did," Grissom told her. Their eye contact remained in place for several seconds before Catherine pulled her hands out of Grissom's and sat down on the couch looking away again.

There was a pause then Catherine spoke again. "I talked to Greg," Catherine told him. Something in Grissom's eyes told her that he was willing to listen to what ever she had to say.

"What did you tell him?" Grissom asked her as he sat down next to her. He was glad that she was talking to him because she need to talk to someone and the chances of getting Catherine to a shrink without a threat to her job were very low.

"I told him that I blew the lab and I was the reason that he was injured," Catherine sighed, "he told me that it was no big deal." Catherine ran her fingers through her hair and looked at Grissom.

"Catherine," Grissom told her gently, "No one is going to hold this against you." He gently pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face.

"Yea Grissom," Catherine told him, "I'm going to hold it against me." Catherine pushed back the lock of hair, which had fallen forward again, with more force than Grissom had and this time it stayed.

"Even after all that stuff you said about Lindsey when you were explaining why the explosion happened?" Grissom asked her.

"Grissom, I hurt people I care about and risked one of the most important things in my life," Catherine told him. She had always been good at convincing other people that the blame was not theirs to bear, but she had never mastered the skill in relation to herself.

"No one was permanently injured," Grissom reminded her. He knew that the lab explosion had been an accident and that no one could have prevented it because no one knew there was something to prevent. He did not want Catherine going around thinking that it was her fault.

"Not physically," Catherine muttered thinking of the look in Greg's eyes when she had visited at the hospital. He was terrified and shell-shocked. She knew that he tried to hide it from her, but his eyes told her the entire painful story.

There were a few minutes of silence before Grissom spoke. "What did you mean when you said that you were pretending sleep?"

"I meant that I was pretending I was going to be able to get any sleep," Catherine said shrugging. She really did not want to have this conversation, but she knew telling him that would only increase his concern.

"Nightmares?" he asked her worriedly.

She nodded. "Most of them about Lindsey dieing and/or Eddie and occasionally a couple about the Strip Strangler but those have mostly stopped. I mean it was two years ago." To Catherine's annoyance she felt the corners of her eyes grow wet. She did not know why this conversation was making her cry. Maybe it was just saying all the things that had gone unsaid for weeks and months and even years. Maybe it was having someone care enough to listen.

"Catherine I am sorry," he told her. Cautiously he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. At first she stiffened at the uncharacteristic contact, but then she softened and leaned against his chest.

"It's not your fault," she replied automatically.

"I should have been there for you after Eddie died," Grissom told her, "I was concentrated on my own problems and didn't see that you needed anyone." He had believed her when she said that she was fine. That was his first mistake because with Catharine the more she insisted she was fine, the less fine she generally was.

"I don't need anyone," Catherine told him, "I need my best friend." It was true. She did not need someone to be there because they felt someone had to be. That was pity. She did not want or need pity. She wanted her best friend to be there because he cared about her and understood her.

"Well he's right here," he told her still holding her close to him, "and he is not going anywhere anytime soon."

Catharine closed her eyes as he stroked her hair with the hand that was not currently on hers. For the first time in a long time she felt safe and calm. She would still have a lot of things to work through, but he would be there to help her. That made all the difference in the world.

_**So please review. If you like it…tell me! If you hate it…lie! No I'm kidding…mostly…constructive criticism is welcome….flames will be used as an alternate heat source… that said…please review… I will love you.**_

_**Oh yea…and this is my 75**__**th**__** story!**_


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